My best friend in the entire world is also my ex, you can imagine the problems that have arisen from that situation in the past. Nobody knows me as well as he does and nobody makes me truly at ease as he. We were together for years and happy for 99% of it. If I were to go out one day and commit the most terrible of crimes, I know that he would still be there to support me at the end of the day.
We broke up because of my own selfish, inconsiderate self. Perhaps it just wasn’t our time. Perhaps I wasn’t ready to settle down. “No matter what happens in the meantime, we will end up together”, I would tell myself. I know that he believed the same. So 2 years down the line, we’ve both been enjoying the single life. Socialising, partying, laughing, dating. Neither of us were ready to move on, certainly not get involved in another relationship. I’m particularly enjoying being single for a change. In the past I had been a serial “relationship-er”; constantly moving from one partnership to another. But I’m enjoying taking the time to get to know myself, focussing on what makes me happy.
Now out of the blue he’s met someone, and I quote, “special”. He’s dated people before, and it hasn’t affected me because I’ve known that nothing will come of it. But this is different. “New guy” treats him so well, he’s the perfect gentleman; proper old romantic. My ex definitely deserves to meet someone like that, who will treat him well because he is the sweetest, most caring, genuine person you could ever hope to meet. As I said, I’m happy being single at the moment; free as the wind. But I don’t want the ex to move on, I’m not ready for that yet. Incredibly selfish I know. I honestly don’t expect him to wait for me until I’m ready to settle down; I would never ask him to. And I would never reveal any of these feelings to him because I know he would do it without me even needing to ask. I just hoped things would stay the same a little while longer and in time I might have been ready to rekindle our relationship. That’s really unfair considering I might have met someone in the near future and would have wanted to explore that further.
Because of the “best friend” status I’m required to sit there and listen to him tell me how wonderful “new guy” is, and how well they’re getting along. It’s part of the job. It’s all my own doing though, I had my chance and I blew it.
So I won’t say anything, I’ll be there for my best friend. But deep down I think I gave up my soulmate, and now I have to watch while he starts a new life with someone else.
Welcome to my first blog post… ever 🙂
I don’t claim to be any kind of writer.. fingers crossed, this will become just a collection of my thoughts and observations. Hopefully others will enjoy reading it as much as I will enjoy publishing it.
It already feels very therapeutic being able to express my feelings in this manner, not unlike my diary entries I used to make as a teenager.. I only wish I’d kept hold of those to this day. I can only imagine, reading through them that my troubles back then would seem so trivial in comparison to today’s problems. Perhaps some day I’ll read through these blog entries and feel the same way, in the distant future maybe.
In the distant future.. when I’m settled, with a house, a dog, a couple of kids, and a husband. A husband who doesn’t irritate me. Someone who loves me despite my quirks. Someone who I truly love and don’t lose interest in after a few months. Maybe I’ve already met him?